​Martians have invaded Earth!

You hadn't heard? Then you're probably relying on the BBC for your news. Despite having reporters all over the world, the BBC's news programs don't really extend beyond, sport, 'celebrities' and Salford-related incidents. So if the Martians invaded Salford that would probably make the news. But what if they invaded New York, Washington, Beijing, London? Nah. Unless, of course, one of them was a footballer or played a few rounds of golf on the moon on the way here. The Martians' best chance of making the news headlines would be if they were what the BBC (and, to be fair, other broadcasting companies) consider a celebrity.

You might think that invading Earth in itself would make you a celebrity but you'd be wrong. Being a super-bimbo who's been chucked out of Big Brother – that's a celebrity. Even so, being a celebrity in the BBC sense of the word is indeed the Martians' best chance for news coverage because, from what I've seen of Celebrity This and Celebrity That, a celebrity is someone you've never heard of. That's the Martians' secret publicity weapon – no-one has heard of them.

Phew! That's alright, then. If the Martians really invaded Earth, I'd know, right? Possibly, but what if Putin decided to invade a few Baltic states or ISIS landed in Pevensey? Putin might squeeze in because he's into martial arts so that ticks the sports box. But those ISIS lot aren't sporty sorts of guys and I wouldn't mind betting none of them have been on Big Brother or even Strictly Come Dancing. And Pevensey is a long way from Salford.

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